Sleep: What Every Parent Needs to Know

Proper sleep is a key component of good health, sharp minds, happy spirits, and a harmonious family. I am pleased to have served as a contributor/technical reviewer for the section on twins/multiples for Sleep: What Every Parent Needs to Know, the latest book by the American Academy of Pediatrics. This terrific resource will be available everywhere September 2013. 

A path uniquely yours to take

My dear friend Lisa gave birth to boy-girl twins this past month, and it has been a hoot following along with her growing family's adventures. With her family, as with the families in my pediatric practice who have twins and triplets, I marvel at how each of our parenting journeys are uniquely ours to take. Well-meaning friends and family will offer you advice, which is wonderful, however you will often hear a variation of the phrase "been there, done that." Nope! No one has walked in your shoes, no one has had your specific family structure, no one has parented your unique children before you. 

Lisa is receiving advice on how to best raise her babies by anyone and everyone. Sometimes the advice is solicited, and sometimes, not. (Take a walk with a hugely pregnant belly- trust us, there is no better way to attract the attention and comments from people passing by.) I visited Lisa in the hospital, and her nurse came in to check vitals and told her, "You know you HAVE to feed the babies 30 minutes apart, right?" Lisa, aware that I am a big fan of feeding infant twins simultaneously, smiled and said "OK, thanks!" But here's the deal: although others may have parented themselves, although others may have raised twins or triplets, their experience is not your experience. Listen to the advice and well-wishes of others, but know you will find your own path. Some twins are born first to a family. Some triplets are born 3rd, 4th, and 5th to a family with 2 older kids. Some of us have local family members able and willing to help, others do not. Each family's needs will be different, and each situation and circumstance will impact how you handle infant feeding schedules, bedtime routines, naps, and more. 

Our kids themselves are individuals. Your neighbor's method for soothing her infant's colic may not work for your child. Some babies love swings, others, not so much. You only know until you try it out. This is a great reason to borrow others' infant equipment; when ours were babies, we borrowed a swing- thank goodness, because none of our 4 kids were a fan of it- no money wasted.

Listen to other's advice and feel free to tinker and experiment to see if their strategies will work for you, but ultimately each child, and each family, has individual needs. When offered advice from others, smile gratefully and store it in your mental notebook; use it if it sounds like it's worth a try. Have faith in your abilities and remember that you know your children better than anyone on this planet. Once you've ensured your children's health and safety, sometimes a certain degree of flexibility, with a dash of trial-and-error, is needed before determining how to best tackle the current parenting stage or challenge.

In Defense of Fathers

Consider this my "shout-out" to all you hands-on, involved dads.

New Year, New Adventures

Happy New Year everyone- a happy and healthy 2012 for all!

New Year's Day is a good time to reflect on the passage of time, and plan for the future. As you well know, life with twins or triplets moves very quickly. I have now been a parent of twins for over 8 years (and a mom to four for almost 6 years), and have spent the past several New Year's marveling at how rapidly the calendar pages turn when you are busy raising a crew of small children. (For some ideas to share the concept of New Year's resolutions with your kids, click here.)

Our family spent the early evening of New Year's Eve last night watching old family home videos- including that of our fourth's 1st birthday. Our then 3 year-old twins and almost 5 year-old helped her understand the concept of opening wrapped presents, and all four squealed with excitement when a Fisher Price farm was revealed. We've come so far since those days, and in two minutes they'll be graduating from high school. As your family can relate, the days and weeks can be a hectic blur of activity. One of my yearly resolutions is to make an effort to pause and enjoy the present moment for what it is. The only consistency in life is change, and before you know it your family will have evolved once again.

At the start of the new year, I'd also like to take a moment to thank both the multiples and medical communities for embracing and spreading the word about my book, Raising Twins. New parents of twins and triplets need all the support, tips, and encouragement possible, and while no single book is "one size fits all," the goal has always been to provide food for thought to handle the myriad issues involved with raising multiples. Just as every child is unique, and what works for one kid may not work for another, all families are distinct. Each family will create their own rulebook, and no two will look the same. My goal throughout this project and blog has been to empower parents of multiples to gather information and advice, use common sense, speak with your pediatrician, and see what works best for your family. Thank you and have a great year!

**The photo above is of my kindergartener's 2012 Snoopy calendar's January page. Somehow the image of Snoopy helping Woodstock and friends up a mountain seemed appropriate.

Take a break for a fresh perspective

Georges Seurat’s “A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte” is one of the Art Institute of Chicago’s better-known pieces. It was featured in the movie “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” and was the inspiration for Stephen Sondheim’s “Sunday in the Park with George.” It uses the technique of pointillism– up close to the canvas you can see individual dots of color, but from a distance the scene of people enjoying a park unfolds.

When faced with parenting challenges, how many times do we find ourselves standing too close to the canvas, unable to see the bigger view? Every child is different, and our initial strategies to help our kids navigate developmental milestones may be hitting a brick wall. If we remember to step back and observe the scene as a whole, we can refresh our perspective. By re-establishing our priorities and goals and “re-booting” our parenting energies, we’ll be able to see the forest for the trees.

How to re-boot? Parents need to take personal breaks to maintain sanity and nurture who we are as people. Moms and Dads should ensure that they have an outlet, an activity or hobby unrelated to parenthood or their careers that nourishes the inner spirit and rejuvenates them for engaging and caring for children. Look at a typical week’s schedule and see where your personal protected time can be squeezed in. Even the busiest of us can use creativity to unearth 30 minutes, 3 times a week for this purpose. Enlist the help of your spouse, family, friends, or sitters to make it happen. Also consider waking up earlier than the family, or utilize the magical time between the kids’ bedtime and your bedtime. Meeting our own needs helps us properly care for others, just as when an airplane’s cabin pressure drops and passengers are instructed to put their own oxygen mask in place before helping their children.

As for the activity, it’s yours to decide. For me, running has become my mental refuge since the birth of our 4th child; even a 20-minute run has great benefits squeezed into a short amount of time, perfect for our hectic family schedule. My husband and I work together to “cover” for one another, protecting each other’s time on a weekly basis. Whether you exercise, are an avid photographer, scrapbooker, gardener, or love to experiment in the kitchen with new recipes, make an effort to set aside time each week to pursue your passions. Your family will be rewarded with a refreshed parent who has the “big picture” in mind.

The Perks of Parenting Multiples– an Ongoing List

One of my main goals while writing Raising Twins was to encourage and uplift fellow parents of multiples. Yes, raising twins, triplets or more is a challenge, but streamlining strategies and keeping the big picture in mind can help families enjoy the ride. With this positive outlook in mind, today’s post adds to an ongoing list of the benefits of parenting more than one child at the same age (a prior post alluded to the benefit of teamwork).

• Kids learn self-reliance early on when they outnumber the parent(s). Believe it or not, being outnumbered can be a good thing. The very logistics that pose such a challenge in the first year of life encourage your children to become more independent as they grow and develop over time. We’ve all heard of “helicopter parents” who can be overly involved in their kids’ lives and activities. Parenting twins or more decreases the chances that you’ll be micromanaging each aspect of your kids’ experiences. My kids are currently 7, 6, 6, and 3, and while I have a personal tendency to swoop in and help too much, I can only help each child as much as a mom of 4 is humanly able! My kids are pros at packing their backpacks for school, helping put away laundry, setting the dinner table, and more, not necessarily because of my parenting skills, but due to the logistics and needs of our larger-than-average family.

• The oft-cited multiples catchphrase: “You can’t scare me– I have twins!” Once you've parented multiples for any stretch of time, you realize you are capable of more than you may have expected. You quickly learn the ropes and can handle a multitude of situations, which is empowering. This sense of empowerment can carry over to other areas of your life: handling your career, your personal relationships... if you've raised multiples through the exciting first year, you can handle anything!

• Resilience– multiples coach their parents how to roll with things and adapt. Time flies quickly when parenting multiples; we tackle current issues then move on to a new set of circumstances. Even during a difficult stage, rest assured– time will pass, the stage will pass, and you'll be onto the next milestone.

Have more benefits to add to this ongoing list? Please share in the comments.

Love, and One-on-One Time

The Chicago Tribune recently ran a heartwarming article by Barbara Brotman that is of particular interest to families with twins. The piece, "Family holds tight to Valentine's Day tradition," focuses on some of my favorite parenting themes– the benefits of one-on-one time with each child, whether a multiple or not, and the positive impact of hands-on, involved fathers. The article is about the Cacich family of the Chicago suburbs. They have 3 daughters, now college-age: a single-born older daughter and twin daughters just 21 months younger. For those of us still entrenched in our kids’ early years, changing countless diapers of twins, triplets or more, it is nice to have a glimpse into the future; this article is a sweet reminder that the choices and traditions we start now will enrich our long-term relationships with our children.

Special one-on-one time need not occur solely on Valentine’s Day– I recommend squeezing it in whenever possible. You’d be amazed what terrific conversations you can have with your child, one-on-one, waiting for the car’s oil change. The advantage of the Cacich’s family tradition is that a set date written in the calendar ensures that the date will be honored in the midst of hectic schedules.

Where is the Answer Key?

Do you ever wish there were ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ answers to your parenting dilemmas, a nice, clear-cut, straightforward way to go? It sure would make life easier! As your children grow and your family’s dynamics evolve, parenting quandaries [amplified for we parents of multiples] arise with no obvious correct answer.

We had a bicycle dilemma this week– our 5 year-old twins are ready for bigger bikes. We have a perfectly good hand-me-down bike, courtesy of our older (singleton) son [well, the threadbare tires need replacing, but besides that, the bike works great]. So who gets the hand-me-down bike, and who gets a new bike?

Our solution– I tossed a coin to determine who gets the new bike, and in a couple years when the boys need bigger bikes again, we’ll alternate between the twins as to who gets the hand-me-down, and who gets the new.

My son who “lost” the coin toss was pretty bummed, and I started to feel pangs of guilt as I reassured him. Nothing that I said, though, made him as happy as when he simply hopped on and rode his bigger and faster bike, beaming with pride at how much he has grown! [A bonus was that he had instant gratification– his hand-me-down was ready to go, waiting in the garage for him. His twin who “won” the coin toss had to wait for his new bike to be assembled from the box.]

There may not be an exact ‘answer key’ for your parenting dilemmas, but remember that regardless of the paths you choose, kids are resilient. Each family and each child is unique, so follow your instincts with love and fairness, and you’ll make the right decision for your family.

Each Child Has Her or His Own "Day in the Sun"

Do you sometimes worry that your twins get too much attention, leaving their younger sibling on the sidelines?  Or are you like my good friend, who worries that her toddler twin boys are 'neglected' due to their older sister's busy schedule of school and activities?

When two or more children are involved, well-intentioned parents do their best to maintain a fair family dynamic by providing equal amounts of love and attention to each of their kids.  These efforts can be fraught with guilt, however, as it is impossible to provide exactly equal amounts of interaction with three, four, or more children.  Life is just so variable––how could your attention be spread exactly equally?  One week, Kid #1 is sick; another week, Kid #2 has a school play; then the following month, Kid #3's best friend moves out of state.  I often find myself fretting if I have not had enough 'special time' with one of my four kids, even if there are very good reasons that some kids needed 'more' of me during a given week.

Having twins or triplets in a family can intensify the issue of relationships.  By their very nature, multiples are a rare, special occurrence, and they are fascinating as well as time-consuming!  I have friends who happened to grow up as a single-born sibling of twins––they warned me, when I was pregnant with my twins, to not 'forget' my oldest son!  These warnings intensify my feelings of guilt during those hectic weeks when some of my kids get more attention than the others.

I think the best strategy for a healthy family dynamic [and fret-free parents] is to focus on fairness over the long haul.  There will be some days, weeks, and even months where one of your kids will need you more than your other[s].  And that is okay!  In the long run, it will all even out, and each child will have his or her own "day in the sun."

And always remember that each of your twins is an individual.  It is fun to celebrate the special status of twins, but keep a healthy family dynamic by treating each child, twins or not, as if they were a single-born child.