Stay Connected

Parenting 4 month-old twins does not leave one with much free time. Add in other kids, work, maintaining a household, and finding time to eat/sleep/exercise properly, and not much time remains to maintain friendships let alone seek new ones. Yet maintaining those social lifelines, as well as making new connections with other parents of infant multiples, can be rejuvenating. When our twins were younger, the last thing I thought I had time for was attending my local parents of multiples club's monthly meetings- yet somehow when able to swing it, was so grateful I did. There is something instantly comforting about sitting in a room full of people who GET IT. Sharing tricks, tips and ideas, and just plain venting about the twin parenting experience can be downright soothing for your soul. If others' multiples are yours' ages, you can live through the experience together. If their kids are older, they can share some wisdom with you; if younger, you can share your experiences and what you have learned (helping you realize how quickly time is really passing, and how far you have come; ie. this too shall pass).

Speaking of social networking, I strongly suggest connecting online with your local multiples group. There are several public groups (watch for the "globe" icon which indicates anyone can read the comment), but many groups have a private forum to post questions and suggestions, making it even easier to stay connected even if unable to leave the house for a meeting. I'll be posting more content on our Facebook page at facebook.com/raisingtwins as the format easily lends itself to quick links and updates, so be sure to look for Raising Twins online. To find a local multiples group in your geographic area, check out http://www.nomotc.org/. There is a search bar to look specifically by city or zip code.

A path uniquely yours to take

My dear friend Lisa gave birth to boy-girl twins this past month, and it has been a hoot following along with her growing family's adventures. With her family, as with the families in my pediatric practice who have twins and triplets, I marvel at how each of our parenting journeys are uniquely ours to take. Well-meaning friends and family will offer you advice, which is wonderful, however you will often hear a variation of the phrase "been there, done that." Nope! No one has walked in your shoes, no one has had your specific family structure, no one has parented your unique children before you. 

Lisa is receiving advice on how to best raise her babies by anyone and everyone. Sometimes the advice is solicited, and sometimes, not. (Take a walk with a hugely pregnant belly- trust us, there is no better way to attract the attention and comments from people passing by.) I visited Lisa in the hospital, and her nurse came in to check vitals and told her, "You know you HAVE to feed the babies 30 minutes apart, right?" Lisa, aware that I am a big fan of feeding infant twins simultaneously, smiled and said "OK, thanks!" But here's the deal: although others may have parented themselves, although others may have raised twins or triplets, their experience is not your experience. Listen to the advice and well-wishes of others, but know you will find your own path. Some twins are born first to a family. Some triplets are born 3rd, 4th, and 5th to a family with 2 older kids. Some of us have local family members able and willing to help, others do not. Each family's needs will be different, and each situation and circumstance will impact how you handle infant feeding schedules, bedtime routines, naps, and more. 

Our kids themselves are individuals. Your neighbor's method for soothing her infant's colic may not work for your child. Some babies love swings, others, not so much. You only know until you try it out. This is a great reason to borrow others' infant equipment; when ours were babies, we borrowed a swing- thank goodness, because none of our 4 kids were a fan of it- no money wasted.

Listen to other's advice and feel free to tinker and experiment to see if their strategies will work for you, but ultimately each child, and each family, has individual needs. When offered advice from others, smile gratefully and store it in your mental notebook; use it if it sounds like it's worth a try. Have faith in your abilities and remember that you know your children better than anyone on this planet. Once you've ensured your children's health and safety, sometimes a certain degree of flexibility, with a dash of trial-and-error, is needed before determining how to best tackle the current parenting stage or challenge.

Take a break for a fresh perspective

Georges Seurat’s “A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte” is one of the Art Institute of Chicago’s better-known pieces. It was featured in the movie “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” and was the inspiration for Stephen Sondheim’s “Sunday in the Park with George.” It uses the technique of pointillism– up close to the canvas you can see individual dots of color, but from a distance the scene of people enjoying a park unfolds.

When faced with parenting challenges, how many times do we find ourselves standing too close to the canvas, unable to see the bigger view? Every child is different, and our initial strategies to help our kids navigate developmental milestones may be hitting a brick wall. If we remember to step back and observe the scene as a whole, we can refresh our perspective. By re-establishing our priorities and goals and “re-booting” our parenting energies, we’ll be able to see the forest for the trees.

How to re-boot? Parents need to take personal breaks to maintain sanity and nurture who we are as people. Moms and Dads should ensure that they have an outlet, an activity or hobby unrelated to parenthood or their careers that nourishes the inner spirit and rejuvenates them for engaging and caring for children. Look at a typical week’s schedule and see where your personal protected time can be squeezed in. Even the busiest of us can use creativity to unearth 30 minutes, 3 times a week for this purpose. Enlist the help of your spouse, family, friends, or sitters to make it happen. Also consider waking up earlier than the family, or utilize the magical time between the kids’ bedtime and your bedtime. Meeting our own needs helps us properly care for others, just as when an airplane’s cabin pressure drops and passengers are instructed to put their own oxygen mask in place before helping their children.

As for the activity, it’s yours to decide. For me, running has become my mental refuge since the birth of our 4th child; even a 20-minute run has great benefits squeezed into a short amount of time, perfect for our hectic family schedule. My husband and I work together to “cover” for one another, protecting each other’s time on a weekly basis. Whether you exercise, are an avid photographer, scrapbooker, gardener, or love to experiment in the kitchen with new recipes, make an effort to set aside time each week to pursue your passions. Your family will be rewarded with a refreshed parent who has the “big picture” in mind.

Knock-Knock Jokes Were Made for Twins

One day in the not-too-distant future, your infant twins won't require feeding and constant care around the clock.  Back in those hazy days when our twins were teeny, I never imagined that one day I'd hear this at our breakfast table:

A: "Knock-Knock."

R: "Who's there?"

A: "Rain."

R: "Rain who?"

A: "Reindeer!!"

Both: "Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!" in that crazy way that only twins sharing a joke can replicate.  

Shared twin laughter is among the most beautiful things one could hear.