Imagine finding out that you're going to be a parent to twins or triplets– where could you turn for simplifying strategies and practical advice? This is the book I wish we had when we learned we'd be the lucky parents of twins– the 2nd edition of Raising Twins (with updated info and new chapters) is now on Amazon and available wherever books are sold. Click HERE for more information!

A path uniquely yours to take

My dear friend Lisa gave birth to boy-girl twins this past month, and it has been a hoot following along with her growing family's adventures. With her family, as with the families in my pediatric practice who have twins and triplets, I marvel at how each of our parenting journeys are uniquely ours to take. Well-meaning friends and family will offer you advice, which is wonderful, however you will often hear a variation of the phrase "been there, done that." Nope! No one has walked in your shoes, no one has had your specific family structure, no one has parented your unique children before you. 

Lisa is receiving advice on how to best raise her babies by anyone and everyone. Sometimes the advice is solicited, and sometimes, not. (Take a walk with a hugely pregnant belly- trust us, there is no better way to attract the attention and comments from people passing by.) I visited Lisa in the hospital, and her nurse came in to check vitals and told her, "You know you HAVE to feed the babies 30 minutes apart, right?" Lisa, aware that I am a big fan of feeding infant twins simultaneously, smiled and said "OK, thanks!" But here's the deal: although others may have parented themselves, although others may have raised twins or triplets, their experience is not your experience. Listen to the advice and well-wishes of others, but know you will find your own path. Some twins are born first to a family. Some triplets are born 3rd, 4th, and 5th to a family with 2 older kids. Some of us have local family members able and willing to help, others do not. Each family's needs will be different, and each situation and circumstance will impact how you handle infant feeding schedules, bedtime routines, naps, and more. 

Our kids themselves are individuals. Your neighbor's method for soothing her infant's colic may not work for your child. Some babies love swings, others, not so much. You only know until you try it out. This is a great reason to borrow others' infant equipment; when ours were babies, we borrowed a swing- thank goodness, because none of our 4 kids were a fan of it- no money wasted.

Listen to other's advice and feel free to tinker and experiment to see if their strategies will work for you, but ultimately each child, and each family, has individual needs. When offered advice from others, smile gratefully and store it in your mental notebook; use it if it sounds like it's worth a try. Have faith in your abilities and remember that you know your children better than anyone on this planet. Once you've ensured your children's health and safety, sometimes a certain degree of flexibility, with a dash of trial-and-error, is needed before determining how to best tackle the current parenting stage or challenge.

In Defense of Fathers

Consider this my "shout-out" to all you hands-on, involved dads.

New Year, New Adventures

Happy New Year everyone- a happy and healthy 2012 for all!

New Year's Day is a good time to reflect on the passage of time, and plan for the future. As you well know, life with twins or triplets moves very quickly. I have now been a parent of twins for over 8 years (and a mom to four for almost 6 years), and have spent the past several New Year's marveling at how rapidly the calendar pages turn when you are busy raising a crew of small children. (For some ideas to share the concept of New Year's resolutions with your kids, click here.)

Our family spent the early evening of New Year's Eve last night watching old family home videos- including that of our fourth's 1st birthday. Our then 3 year-old twins and almost 5 year-old helped her understand the concept of opening wrapped presents, and all four squealed with excitement when a Fisher Price farm was revealed. We've come so far since those days, and in two minutes they'll be graduating from high school. As your family can relate, the days and weeks can be a hectic blur of activity. One of my yearly resolutions is to make an effort to pause and enjoy the present moment for what it is. The only consistency in life is change, and before you know it your family will have evolved once again.

At the start of the new year, I'd also like to take a moment to thank both the multiples and medical communities for embracing and spreading the word about my book, Raising Twins. New parents of twins and triplets need all the support, tips, and encouragement possible, and while no single book is "one size fits all," the goal has always been to provide food for thought to handle the myriad issues involved with raising multiples. Just as every child is unique, and what works for one kid may not work for another, all families are distinct. Each family will create their own rulebook, and no two will look the same. My goal throughout this project and blog has been to empower parents of multiples to gather information and advice, use common sense, speak with your pediatrician, and see what works best for your family. Thank you and have a great year!

**The photo above is of my kindergartener's 2012 Snoopy calendar's January page. Somehow the image of Snoopy helping Woodstock and friends up a mountain seemed appropriate.

Take a break for a fresh perspective

Georges Seurat’s “A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte” is one of the Art Institute of Chicago’s better-known pieces. It was featured in the movie “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” and was the inspiration for Stephen Sondheim’s “Sunday in the Park with George.” It uses the technique of pointillism– up close to the canvas you can see individual dots of color, but from a distance the scene of people enjoying a park unfolds.

When faced with parenting challenges, how many times do we find ourselves standing too close to the canvas, unable to see the bigger view? Every child is different, and our initial strategies to help our kids navigate developmental milestones may be hitting a brick wall. If we remember to step back and observe the scene as a whole, we can refresh our perspective. By re-establishing our priorities and goals and “re-booting” our parenting energies, we’ll be able to see the forest for the trees.

How to re-boot? Parents need to take personal breaks to maintain sanity and nurture who we are as people. Moms and Dads should ensure that they have an outlet, an activity or hobby unrelated to parenthood or their careers that nourishes the inner spirit and rejuvenates them for engaging and caring for children. Look at a typical week’s schedule and see where your personal protected time can be squeezed in. Even the busiest of us can use creativity to unearth 30 minutes, 3 times a week for this purpose. Enlist the help of your spouse, family, friends, or sitters to make it happen. Also consider waking up earlier than the family, or utilize the magical time between the kids’ bedtime and your bedtime. Meeting our own needs helps us properly care for others, just as when an airplane’s cabin pressure drops and passengers are instructed to put their own oxygen mask in place before helping their children.

As for the activity, it’s yours to decide. For me, running has become my mental refuge since the birth of our 4th child; even a 20-minute run has great benefits squeezed into a short amount of time, perfect for our hectic family schedule. My husband and I work together to “cover” for one another, protecting each other’s time on a weekly basis. Whether you exercise, are an avid photographer, scrapbooker, gardener, or love to experiment in the kitchen with new recipes, make an effort to set aside time each week to pursue your passions. Your family will be rewarded with a refreshed parent who has the “big picture” in mind.

The Perks of Parenting Multiples– an Ongoing List

One of my main goals while writing Raising Twins was to encourage and uplift fellow parents of multiples. Yes, raising twins, triplets or more is a challenge, but streamlining strategies and keeping the big picture in mind can help families enjoy the ride. With this positive outlook in mind, today’s post adds to an ongoing list of the benefits of parenting more than one child at the same age (a prior post alluded to the benefit of teamwork).

• Kids learn self-reliance early on when they outnumber the parent(s). Believe it or not, being outnumbered can be a good thing. The very logistics that pose such a challenge in the first year of life encourage your children to become more independent as they grow and develop over time. We’ve all heard of “helicopter parents” who can be overly involved in their kids’ lives and activities. Parenting twins or more decreases the chances that you’ll be micromanaging each aspect of your kids’ experiences. My kids are currently 7, 6, 6, and 3, and while I have a personal tendency to swoop in and help too much, I can only help each child as much as a mom of 4 is humanly able! My kids are pros at packing their backpacks for school, helping put away laundry, setting the dinner table, and more, not necessarily because of my parenting skills, but due to the logistics and needs of our larger-than-average family.

• The oft-cited multiples catchphrase: “You can’t scare me– I have twins!” Once you've parented multiples for any stretch of time, you realize you are capable of more than you may have expected. You quickly learn the ropes and can handle a multitude of situations, which is empowering. This sense of empowerment can carry over to other areas of your life: handling your career, your personal relationships... if you've raised multiples through the exciting first year, you can handle anything!

• Resilience– multiples coach their parents how to roll with things and adapt. Time flies quickly when parenting multiples; we tackle current issues then move on to a new set of circumstances. Even during a difficult stage, rest assured– time will pass, the stage will pass, and you'll be onto the next milestone.

Have more benefits to add to this ongoing list? Please share in the comments.

Lead by Example

Yesterday, I participated in a volunteer coach training session for the USTA [United States Tennis Association] Quickstart Program, a fun, age-appropriate way to introduce tennis to kids ages 10 and under.  During the program, we discussed strategies of good coaches––keep things fun, applaud the effort [not the outcome], and so on.  My own family has a “team” of four kids close in age to each other, so many days I feel like a team coach, rather than a mom!  The training session got me thinking; many of the traits of good coaching are also the traits of good parenting.  Effective coaches and parents both lead by example.

 

Your children’s most powerful role models are Mom and Dad.  When your kids see you treat others with kindness and respect, or work through a problem calmly, maintaining a good attitude, your kids are learning positive behaviors on a subconscious level.  Children learn social skills as well as health behaviors by observing the adults in their world.

 

You can talk to your kids about the benefits of healthy nutrition and exercise until you are blue in the face, but nothing makes such an impact as leading by example.  Eat plenty of fruits and veggies yourself.  Now that summer is starting, bring your kids to farmers’ markets in your area and check out the local produce.  Spend time as a family outdoors.  Go on family bike rides, either in your neighborhood or at a nearby bike trail. 

 

Parents’ habits, whether healthy or not, tend to get passed along to children.  In February 2009 a study in the journal Pediatrics showed that parental smoking increased the chances of the kids initiating smoking.  On the bright side of the study, however, the kids of parents who had quit smoking were no more likely to smoke than kids of parents who had never smoked.  Kids emulate and respect parents’ behaviors beyond the grade school years, contrary to the popular belief!

 

One of my 5 year-old twins has adorably been asking to join me on my 2-mile neighborhood runs.  Amazing––a kid his age, asking to run 2 miles, as if it were a treat akin to a trip to the ice cream shop [full disclosure––he asks to go to the ice cream shop regularly, too!].  He’s just a normal kid who simply wants to join his mom in an activity he sees her partake in regularly.

Keep this in mind as you 'coach' your own children.  Your parenting motto should be: "Do as I say, and as I do."