"Feed the Meter" for Good Behavior

Parents of twins or more: have you noticed your toddlers’ or preschoolers’ behavior can take a turn for the worse during particularly hectic weeks? Often this phenomenon is not just a poorly-timed coincidence. Even at our busiest, we parents need to feed our kids’ “meters” on a routine basis to encourage good behavior. Think of “feeding the meter” as a discipline strategy; effective discipline strategies are a must for busy families with two or more kids. Clearly life is more pleasant with well-behaved children, but if you’re a parent of multiples, good discipline techniques are a requirement to keep your household running smoothly.

Think of discipline as an overall framework where good behavior is rewarded, and inappropriate behavior has consequences. We’ve all heard of “time-outs” for poor behavior, but even more important is “time-in”– positive, pleasant, one-on-one time with a parent. Time-in boosts your child’s self-esteem and strengthens your emotional connection. Having a good relationship is wonderful in and of itself, but in addition, it is the setting under which you can most effectively guide your kids’ behavior. Positive quality time with a parent on a regular basis helps your child know that she or he does not need to act out in order to get your attention.

So how can you feed your kids’ meters? Even if both parents work outside the home, it is possible to squeeze in meaningful one-on-one time each week. As you prep dinner, let one of your kids ‘help’ with simple, age-appropriate tasks as you talk to each other, leaving the TV off. On weekends, take just one child with you to the grocery store, ignoring your cell phone or other distractions. Sit with your kids and simply color and doodle with them, sharing peeks at each other’s artwork. Over time you can fairly distribute “time-in” amongst all your kids, strengthening bonds and improving overall behavior.

Keeping Your Cool, in the Heat of the Moment

This week, I was honored to share a presentation about discipline for multiples with a wonderful group of parents, the Southwest Suburban Moms of Multiples.  We all agreed that it is quite a challenge to keep a cool head when your children misbehave.  Handling two or more young kids at the same age can test the patience of a saint.  It is crucial for parents to stay calm in the heat of a 'discipline moment' for many reasons, a significant reason being that kids learn how to handle stressful situations by observing how their parents handle such situations.

One tip to preserve your emotional health as a parent [especially when your twins are toddlers and your patience is being tested day-in, day-out] is to take a refresher course on your kids' age group[s] developmental milestones and characteristics.  Families can find some comfort knowing that it is age-appropriate for older babies, toddlers, and even preschoolers to "test limits."  Toddlers' temper tantrums are also age-appropriate, unfortunately––resulting when your 2-year-old realizes that she has her own ideas about the world, and that she is, in fact, an individual, a separate person from her parents and her co-twin.  Throughout your twins' early years, your kids are continually trying to figure out what their boundaries are––it is a function of how children operate, and is not a conscious, deliberate attempt to drive you insane!  As frustrating as the tough days can be, it is our job as parents to consistently and rationally illustrate appropriate boundaries to our kids.  [A quick reference of developmental milestones for toddlers can be found here, and for preschoolers, here.]

How can you model reasoned, rational behavior to your kids when you have reached your capacity for patience?  Counting to ten and "going to your happy place" may not be enough to keep a parent of twins calm [trust me, I know!].  During my presentation this week, I shared some calming tricks that I've picked up from various sources over the years, which gave us all a good laugh.  These odd but effective ideas include imagining an audience in the room with you [or security cameras, or the camera crew from a reality TV show] watching you as you handle a tough situation, or alternatively, pretending your toddler twins are from another country, and you're teaching them the ways of your land.  Silly ideas, I know, but sometimes, fresh ideas are just what parents need to "keep their cool" and handle a situation objectively, properly, and without anger.